Senioritis epidemic sweeps Class of 2019

It’s second semester and, as of late, the senior class has shown record symptoms of the deadly virus senioritis. We’ve been mailing it in all year, but it’s finally starting to show. Never in history have we seen more absences in a given week. Ladies and gentlemen, it appears we have an epidemic on our hands.

Students have been checking out since the beginning of this semester. A general lack of effort shows in the reluctance of the senior class to conform to the uniform code highlighted so clearly in the student handbook. One student, Bobert Scalzo ’19, received a record four detentions in a day last week. The poor boy was hit with the back to back Danso-Wilkins combo in the hall for a hair violation and a non-school pullover. His other infractions to the code included the lack of a belt, missing soles on his Sperrys, and no tie.

Right now, it is flannels, hoodies, and pullovers as far as the eye can see for seniors. One veteran technique to evade the law is the sweatshirt on the arms method. This tactic keeps the arms warm while ensuring someone does not get written up for a uniform violation, but is still, however, typically frowned upon. Emma Farrell and Laila Michel, two seniors, both use this ploy as a means to keep their arms warm when the AC is blasting. They told The Sabre that the arm sweatshirt is a risky maneuver, but is sometimes necessary as both a fashion choice and a way to avoid the cold.

Another tactic is the classic shoulder sling—where a student walks through the hall with a non-school jacket draped over their shoulders. This is more of a fashion choice than the sweatshirt on the arms method, but is again sometimes not appreciated by the uniform enforcers.

Senior Kevin Gibbons reportedly never wore the winter uniform once this year—a truly respectable feat, not for the faint of heart. Gibbons was able to game the system by taking advantage of the black pullover that is sanctioned by the handbook. He expedited the morning uniform process by cutting out the tedious buttons and neck tie. Kevin’s evasion of the uniform police is ahead of its time.

Luckily, these seniors, beaten down by the system, know every trick in the book. They have taken advantage of every loophole possible to get out of any work or rules they deem unnecessary. In this final quarter of their St. John’s careers, their work ethic and motivation as a whole has definitely taken a turn for the worse.

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